From Numbness to Feeling: My Return to the Church

Written by my daughter, Hannah, I am in awe and inspired by this<3

Hannah Kennedy

The room was filled with people. And the room was huge, so it was a lot of people. Hundreds of us were crammed in the black box room that had a stage and big screens in one corner. Lights in various colors flared. Upbeat music played. The crowd of people became a sea of heads and arms under the clouds of light and music.

It was my first time visiting this church. My best friend invited my husband and I along. He and I had been on an unfortunate streak of non-attendance, not because we didn’t think church was something we should do, and not because we had given up our faith or anything. The reason was simple: we hadn’t found a good church near school. The reason was also complicated: my heart was numb and suspicious.

Around the time Alex and I got married, the church I had grown…

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True Self

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I have been on a journey the last few years. I had been calling it a healing journey, but Kelly Flanagan in his book, Lovable, has challenged me to call it being wholed. I resonate with that because I often pray Shalom over myself and others. The Hebrew word, Shalom, is often linked to the word peace but it is so much more than that, it is wholeness, integrity, completeness, perfection.

I am not writing from an attitude of wholeness today. I feel anything but whole, complete or perfect. But it does not really matter how I feel about it! My true self is whole, complete, full of integrity and perfect!

“In the first act of life, we begin to overcome the disunity at the center of our self, which was wrought by our shame. We embrace the confused and lost little one in us, we return to our worthy and good-enough soul, and we come back into union with the divine spark underneath our underneath. We coalesce around our true self.” KF

I started painting with my daughter during the time my husband and I were separated. We have continued this activity together and it has been wholing. I painted this the other evening. I have been intensely wrestling with God concerning my purpose and my passion. It feels like there is nothing left to squeeze out of me, nothing else to burn, waiting for the “who I am on the inside and what I do on the outside to become one”.

The separateness we feel is truly an illusion and I am easily convinced by it when I see how I behave sometimes or when I look at my circumstances. But the truth is, I am whole and complete and perfect. I have a life full of meaning that is repeatedly being pulled free from shame and into my divine purpose. That is my true self.

Why Did Jesus Die?

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The Bible says this of Jesus in Isaiah 53:3, A man of sorrows and acquainted with our grief.

I was studying what each of these words means and I was so inspired to share it with all who would listen!

Acquainted- To intimately know or experience. To be in union with to be inside.
Sorrow- Pain, mental anguish, sadness, to be plunged into grief, personal destitution and loss.
Grief- Sickness of mind and body, mental anguish, despair and depression, wounded by an enemy, trauma.

This means that when Jesus died on the cross, He took your/ my grief upon Himself. He has a personal history of your/ my grief! You/ me were made one with Jesus and He went to the cross as you/ as me! He took EVERY sorrow, trauma, torture and pain, on Himself.
Are you feeling lost? Are you feeling sad, depressed, alone, confused, hopeless? There is One Person who truly understands and took it all to make you/ me whole. The wounds of the past, even in the last minute, have been flooded with grace, hope and complete wholeness in Jesus Christ. He meets us where we are, just as we are.

Just as your GPS finds you a new route when you get off course, start from here and exchange your path for His, who has laid down His life to give you everything Today! He understands you intimately and He died and rose again to live through you/ me in the world.

I pray the Holy Spirit would strengthen and comfort you today! I pray He speaks His love, His strength, and His re seeing of your life through His eyes! I pray the Blessing of God, to be love over you! I pray that you walk in the way of Life from this day forward<3

 

The Pearl of Great Price; Being Fully Loved.

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The following is an excerpt from Henri Nouwen’s, The Inner Voice of Love, titled, Stay With Your Pain.

 

When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness away, even if only for a moment. When, underneath all the praise and acclaim, you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing- to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away.

It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. The temptation is to nurse your pain or to escape into fantasies about people who will take it away. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for God’s healing.

God does not want your loneliness; God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the place where you most need healing, your very heart. The person who was able to touch that place has revealed to you your pearl of great price.

It is understandable that everything you did, are doing, or plan to do seems completely meaningless compared with that pearl.  That pearl is the experience of being fully loved. When you experience deep loneliness, you are willing to give up everything in exchange for healing. But no human being can heal that pain. Still, people will be sent to you to mediate God’s healing and they will be able to offer you the deep sense of belonging that you desire and that gives meaning to all you do.

Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God’s promise to you.

 

Addicted To The Chaos

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Like this page from  Shauna Neiquist’s, Present Over Perfect says, when we are addicted, it is damaging to us. We keep running back to the “false comforter” in what ever form that is, be it a person, a substance, work, busyness, etc., and it does comfort for a minute but it is in a vacuum. What ever comfort we get at the moment is over shadowed by torment the rest of the day…the pull of it is almost unbearable, but it destroys from the inside out.

As we head into a new year, I pray that I would be free from the things that have held me captive and I pray it for you too! Maybe you need to slow down and you know it, but keep putting that off. Maybe you need to cut off an un-healthy relationship and you know it, but you are passive-waiting for a better relationship to come along. Maybe you are addicted to something that you cannot seem to live with out. With man, any of these things can be impossible to over come. But With God, all things are Possible! Emmanuel, God IS With US! And NO ONE, loves you more than Him! The false comforters will destroy us; our minds, our emotions and our relationships. Come to the true Comforter, The Prince of Peace, who is able to do above and beyond what we can ask or think.

Blessings to You in The Name of Jesus in the New Year! True Health to your mind, will and emotions! I am right here, journeying with you, and I would love to hear from you today<3

It’s A Bloody Battle

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I go to the gym three times a week and work out like a fiend to get all the happy hormones I can get in a morning! I listen to my playlist through my headphones, but there are TV monitors in the gym that I can not escape the view of. I have purposely quit watching and listening to news over the last few years to de clutter my mind and allow space for more peace in my life.

I blogged last week about the devastation in Las Vegas and the last few day, news has been about all of the perversion in Hollywood (not surprising there;-( Devastation seems to be on every side. Hurricanes, fires, scandal, the demise of families; this is a hurting world. I have been harmed by people in my life and I have also caused harm because of my selfishness.  I understand pain very acutely and I understand stumbling and making a mess of my life. From here forward, I want to be a healer and a light to others who are in darker places.

I wrote a song last year as part of a healing process that I want to share. I had this deep pain and I had to get it out. God gave me the ability to write this song and music and it was pivotal in facing the trauma and bringing healing. A friend of mine used the term “bloody battle” to describe her journey and I resonated with that. My heart is that I can comfort someone else by the understanding I have received  and the vulnerability to give it away. I believe there is only one face you can look into, one Name that has power to overcome the world, and one voice that you can listen to, to apprehend this healing. His Name is Jesus. You can click here to hear the song on YouTube. Many Blessings and Peace to you<3

Coincidence….

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Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying; Coincidence is God’s way of doing something and still remaining anonymous! I agree with that! When we visited a forest a few weeks ago, it was apparent there had been a significant storm in the park with an amazing amount of trees that had fallen over forest stairways and paths. I was pondering the timing of our trip, comparing  the trees that had fallen over all of the paths against those that had been sawed away for us to get through,maybe even just days before. I said; “it is not coincidence that this storm happened when it did and we chose the weekend that we did. If we had come any earlier, the devastated paths would have made it impossible to navigate.”

I felt a similar thing happened yesterday at a festival I worked, at attending my Honest Aromas booth. God had orchestrated certain people to be there at certain times in my day and I would even say He had prepared me a head of time through a dream the night before and a cell message on my phone from a friend sharing a spiritual insight. It didn’t feel like an orchestration while I was navigating it, it felt like freakish coincidence in the way we all normally define that word. But as I processed the entirety of the scenario through the evening, there was no doubt that HE is at work and that this was another step on the journey I have been on toward Him and His purposes in my life and in the lives of others.

It is easy to react. It takes patience and self-control to say; “God what are you up to? What are you doing in this situation?” But that is exactly what He gives us self-control and patience for!! I am learning (slowly, very slowly!) how not to be over emotional in my emotions! Yes, I have a lot of emotions and I have always been a very caring person, but I do not need to be ruled by my emotions. I can choose how to respond and that is truly all we have power to do. So this set of circumstances gives me and opportunity to feel a broad range of emotions and ask God what He is up to, and sit and rest in His Doing something in the situation! He is up to something in your life as well and it is no coincidence;-) Tell us what’s going on in your life, we want to hear from you today!