My Search For Significance 2

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I told you last week I wanted to do a series on my journey through the last year. Last year at this time I had come clean with  a gigantic failure. Now my failure was noticeable to others. We all have failures, but they are not all noticeable to others. My  husband  and I had many failures that lead up to my “huge” failure and they mostly went unnoticed to others but were destroying my wholeness, our marriage and our family.

Noticeable failure, I have found, can bring enormous amounts of guilt and shame. The shame wants to suffocate you. It wants to keep you in a bondage not unlike the one you just came out of. It took an amazing amount of mental assent to the truth, like non-stop 24/7 self- talk, filling my mind with the truth. I took about 3 months off, as much as I could, just to fill my mind with the truth. Any little rejection from any person would throw me right back into a pit, so I was very self-guarded and did not go out very often. I was acutely aware that I couldn’t stay in that place of hiding, so I was cautious but I also needed to be safe in the loving arms of Jesus to be restored.

Christine Caine said; “shame always wants to re capture you at the point (where you still see baggage dragging) and wants to take you hostage.” I wrote that quote along with now hundreds of quotes and scripture onto art paper and started “postering” our home with them. I would walk around and read them out loud! I was most literally “Not conforming  to this world  but being transformed by the renewing of my mind.” Romans 12:2

I do not know how a person could get out of destructive habits any other way. I do not know how you could mix “a little bit of truth” in with a world that is swallowing it up faster than you can take it in and be transformed. I think that is why it says; “do not conform to the world.” All those “little failures” I spoke of earlier, were seemingly small. Ever so slightly, I was getting loose with my boundaries. They did not start as big leaps into uncharted territory. Mary Kassian says “it comes by creeps, not leaps” and that is So very true! Conforming to the world, it’s desires, it’s pleasure…the “I deserve it” mentality wraps itself around you and the tune turns up the volume in your mind until you are singing along. Breaking these habits takes radical, violent action- it will not happen passively.

I spent another 3-6 months testing the waters of the outside world with my new legs and a growing inner strength. That would only come after significant time reading the Bible, praying and singing. I have taken up the guitar in the last few years and it has been a comfort to me as well as a positive challenge. As I said in my last blog I would repeat these truths; “Julia, you are deeply loved, completely forgiven, totally accepted and fully pleasing to God.” (Search for Significance). One day, after a dear friend read John 8 to me, it was as if I was there with Jesus and He was saying to me, “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more- I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” Jesus, the savior of the world, told me “neither do I condemn you.”, I couldn’t have a higher authority than that and I continue to keep my eyes completely focused on Him.

I am personally aware how our destructive behaviors can really damage others and I have lamented over these. I first had to walk along side my husband ,who I have hurt the most and who has had supernatural love toward me, so I have seen the pain I have caused first hand. I am not minimizing this aspect of failure at all, but when it comes down to it, all that a person can do is ask for forgiveness and pray fervently that God uses it all for good. I am unable to be responsible for how other people choose to respond but I do hold it close and pray every day for reconciliation in every relationship.

If we keep listening to shame in our failures, no matter “how big or how small”, they will remind us how long we have been carrying them and tell us “you will never be rid of this.” But God wants us to be FREE, He came to set us free from this world and to live with Him and have life more abundantly. He is cheering us on and giving us the strength to “run the race with endurance.” Hebrews 12:1

Believing this is all true, is radical! I have been on this journey and I want to encourage you on yours. My hope is that I reach a light to those struggling in a similar situation and walk the path with you so you are not alone. ❤

My Search for Significance.

search-for-significance-1-05I am going to be doing a series of  blogs writing about the journey I have been on over the last year.  I called it My Search for Significance, taken from the book Search for Significance by Robert McGee, because it was a pinnacle book on my journey. It may not be a consecutive series, but it will be one none the less!

Last year at this time, my marriage, that had previously hit rock bottom was beginning to grow some new life in it. It looked like this;20160922_080045

OK, it looked like this without the flower…the flower is still forming. But through the rock,  despite the elements, against all odds, there was some life that started…as fragile as that spindly root, but there was definite life forming! On the outside, many people had no idea what was taking place on the inside of our family. A few close friends new the ongoing obstacles and trials we faced, but most people, I suspect, thought we were a pretty amazing family. (And we are- praise to God and not to my “Plastic Christian Face;-)

At this point we were separated. It was a Controlled Separation with the help of our Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (we have done a Lot of counseling in 25 years, this is the only kind of counseling I can whole hardheartedly recommend.) I had made a choice at the beginning of the year to face what ever it was that I had to face, to not look for greener grass and to deal with things that I can see now I was trying to escape.

I started reading Search for Significance before this point and it was an extremely important  part of the puzzle for me in my metamorphosis. When I was challenged with the questions of where I find my significance, I found that I really had my significance wrapped titles much more than I realized. For many years I had been  A Good Christian Wife , I was a Hard Working Home-Schooling Mom,  A Worship Leader, A Youth Leader. I went to church every Sunday, I went to Bible Study, I helped whenever I could. Although these are all great and noble characteristics and lead to a level of life and peace,those are things that I did not who I was.

I was digging deep. Who was I and why was my life in such disarray after all of these years of “faithful service.” Well, those are complex questions, and there are a lot of complex answers, but the basis of Search for Significance definitely was my base from which to work off of and continues to be daily;

  1. I am deeply loved
  2. I am forgiven
  3. I am accepted
  4. I am fully pleasing …To God.

I had to understand the importance of this and begin to believe it before I could move forward with in myself, let alone any other relationship.Nothing or Nobody is going to change these truths! Every time I face insecurity I say these things to myself. This is where my significance comes from. Not in what I do, or how well I perform, but in this knowledge. I wrote it on a piece of art paper and taped it to my wall and I said it several times a day. I began to tell it to my children, I began to tell it to my husband and who ever else would receive it from me. I have wrestled with each line of this and have been able to say a truthful, “Yes” to each one.

Just like the above picture, my hard heart started to crack and a gleam of light entered and stirred a system that was there waiting for this photosynthesis! That realization gave me the solid ground I needed to continue in the journey, even if I have stumbled on it.

I wonder if you can relate to, or have been encouraged or challenged by any of my story? I would love to hear from you today. Have a great Monday! Have a great week:-)

 

Forgive…..

forgivenessDr. Jesse Gill says; “Forgiveness is the substance of very strong people.”….Wow! That catches my attention because, I desire to be a strong person in a vulnerable kind of way. Now, I do not always want to forgive quickly, but I know that I must forgive to have freedom for my self and to have relationship with others.

In his relationship book, Face to Face, Dr. Jesse Gill offers some other helpful insights regarding forgiveness and intimacy in relationships. “God is so invested in having your spouse know His love that He wants to strengthen you in the toughest moments to be His arms of embrace stretched out to your spouse. There is no clearer illustration of this than the moments we do not feel like showing love.” Isn’t that true? That is so true in every relationship and those statements really encourage me to express that. Now, we cannot always control how others will or will not respond to that “stretching out”, but as far as it depends on us, we can be that to others.

Ultimately, we must “put on love” as Paul says in Colossians 3:14 which is ”
the bond of perfection.” We must put on love and forgive quickly and often-It is an active thing to do.

I often wonder if my readers wonder why I talk about relationships so much when this is an aromatherapy blog?! Well, it is also a Holistic Health blog, and our heart and attitude have more to do with health than what we put on or inside our body. But just in case you are curious about some new Essential Oils and Aromatherapy, I will make sure to highlight some this week! Have a great week enjoying what ever schedule you find your self in, and be active and forgive!!

We are right here with you and we want to hear from you today:-)