I am going to be doing a series of blogs writing about the journey I have been on over the last year. I called it My Search for Significance, taken from the book Search for Significance by Robert McGee, because it was a pinnacle book on my journey. It may not be a consecutive series, but it will be one none the less!
Last year at this time, my marriage, that had previously hit rock bottom was beginning to grow some new life in it. It looked like this;
OK, it looked like this without the flower…the flower is still forming. But through the rock, despite the elements, against all odds, there was some life that started…as fragile as that spindly root, but there was definite life forming! On the outside, many people had no idea what was taking place on the inside of our family. A few close friends new the ongoing obstacles and trials we faced, but most people, I suspect, thought we were a pretty amazing family. (And we are- praise to God and not to my “Plastic Christian Face;-)
At this point we were separated. It was a Controlled Separation with the help of our Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (we have done a Lot of counseling in 25 years, this is the only kind of counseling I can whole hardheartedly recommend.) I had made a choice at the beginning of the year to face what ever it was that I had to face, to not look for greener grass and to deal with things that I can see now I was trying to escape.
I started reading Search for Significance before this point and it was an extremely important part of the puzzle for me in my metamorphosis. When I was challenged with the questions of where I find my significance, I found that I really had my significance wrapped titles much more than I realized. For many years I had been A Good Christian Wife , I was a Hard Working Home-Schooling Mom, A Worship Leader, A Youth Leader. I went to church every Sunday, I went to Bible Study, I helped whenever I could. Although these are all great and noble characteristics and lead to a level of life and peace,those are things that I did not who I was.
I was digging deep. Who was I and why was my life in such disarray after all of these years of “faithful service.” Well, those are complex questions, and there are a lot of complex answers, but the basis of Search for Significance definitely was my base from which to work off of and continues to be daily;
- I am deeply loved
- I am forgiven
- I am accepted
- I am fully pleasing …To God.
I had to understand the importance of this and begin to believe it before I could move forward with in myself, let alone any other relationship.Nothing or Nobody is going to change these truths! Every time I face insecurity I say these things to myself. This is where my significance comes from. Not in what I do, or how well I perform, but in this knowledge. I wrote it on a piece of art paper and taped it to my wall and I said it several times a day. I began to tell it to my children, I began to tell it to my husband and who ever else would receive it from me. I have wrestled with each line of this and have been able to say a truthful, “Yes” to each one.
Just like the above picture, my hard heart started to crack and a gleam of light entered and stirred a system that was there waiting for this photosynthesis! That realization gave me the solid ground I needed to continue in the journey, even if I have stumbled on it.
I wonder if you can relate to, or have been encouraged or challenged by any of my story? I would love to hear from you today. Have a great Monday! Have a great week:-)