Connection is some thing that we all need. There are three areas that will completely destroy that connection and those relationships that we desire if we give them any opening in our lives. Last week we blogged on shame... Today we are talking about blame.
I can talk about this from a position of authority because, unfortunately, I have mastered it. I have shamed, I have been ashamed, I have blamed, I have been blamed through my choices and then subsequent behaviors. Unless we get to the root of the problem( it doesn’t matter what area of life we are speaking of, friendships, marriage, parenting, work relationships) it will destroy the fabric that seemingly holds relationship together.
Robert McGee in Search for Significance says; ” Many have been broken by the false belief-those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we all tend to point an accusing finger, assigning blame for virtually every failure. Whenever we fail to receive approval for our performance, we are likely to search for a reason….a culprit….or a scapegoat. More often than not, we can find no one but ourselves to blame, so the accusing finger points right back at us. Self condemnation is a severe for m of punishment.”
Another reason we seek to blame he says; “Is that our success often depends on their contribution. Their failure is a threat to us. When the failure of another blocks our goal of success, we usually respond by defending ourselves and blaming them, often using condemnation to manipulate them to improve their performance.”
OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!! Oh, I see that in myself with my relationships with my children especially and I have gone to them and told them I have failed miserably here! I also see how I have done that to my husband over the years….it would be so easy for me to shame myself (because I am guilty) but I will choose to forgive myself and instead make very necessary changes.
So guilt is definitely a part of this shame and blame in our lives. Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Changes That Heal says; ” Guilt and shame too often sends us into hiding. If we have to hide, we cannot get help for our needs and brokenness; we cannot become “poor in Spirit” and therefore be blessed. When grace comes along and says that we are not condemned for who we truly are, then guilt can begin to be resolved, an we can begin to heal.”
So if we are working toward connection and healing in our lives, we need to eradicate shame and blame from our lives. We need to help facilitate healing to others and to ourselves. Easier said than done….we all want to blame some one or some thing when some thing goes wrong, it is our nature. But if we want to live a life of healing and connection with others, we have to walk in humility and understanding.
I want to grow….it hurts. I want to be a person who is full of grace and mercy knowing all the grace and mercy that has been shown to me. I want to encourage you on your walk as others have encouraged me. Has this been helpful to you? We want to hear from you today<3